Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
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I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I’M CRYINGGG
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird