@Goofpoops: Cop cars aren't very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I'll stop in a heartbeat
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@joe_binkley: (Cargo pants filled with tater tots) "How many do I need to get an Xbox?" "Sir, that's not how Toys for Tots works." "FALSE ADVERTISING!"
@Brianhopecomedy: I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we're discussing why I'm such a idiot.
@EliBraden: 71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won't be as big a deal when she's 28 and he's dead.