Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
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Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].