You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
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One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!