HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
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Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.