Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
You Might Also Like
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.