cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
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How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…