cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
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“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.