Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.