Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
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the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe