lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
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Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..