I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
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Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Me too door. Me too.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that