COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
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The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys