Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
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Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
💯😂
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
My dad teaching me to drive
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.