Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
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Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?