Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
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*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run