I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
You Might Also Like
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Encore…
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.