COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
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My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
this is uni
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.