Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
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Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
My typo game is string.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
What?!?
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket