COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
You Might Also Like
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.