Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
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I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Easy enough.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.