COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
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I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together