@_NTFG_: COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
ME: "So it wouldn't be windy when we talked."
@MatCro: PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you've got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
@lisaxy424: [a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
@felixoshea: He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
@9to5Life: I hate when people text me "what are you doing?" at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don't have your Art History degree, so probably "working".
@Fred_Delicious: *is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*