@_NTFG_: COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
ME: "So it wouldn't be windy when we talked."
@kjoy1019: If I don't clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
@johnfreiler: if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
@MitchBenn: We HAVE to stop North Korea! They're led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
@geowizzacist: *Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
@CynicalLongkat: Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you're talking about or are they from the internet?