@_NTFG_: COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
ME: "So it wouldn't be windy when we talked."
@Underchilde: Trying to decide who to leave my middle fingers to when I die.
@RafflesWord: I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
@perlapell: You know you've just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
@mommywhitfield: *Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
"Aw! Aren't you sweet?"
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
@AngelaEhh: My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
... and dates.