Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
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“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.