Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
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LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
She: I like Cats
He:
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[loses house key, starts a new life]
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you