COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
You Might Also Like
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed