Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
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Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
lol
i’m sure it’s fine
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.