House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
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CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup