More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
You Might Also Like
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”