Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
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Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.