Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
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Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.