DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
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FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
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I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”