Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
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My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.