Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
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Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
so weird how every mom was born today
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.