Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
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If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Duck typos.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait