COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
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You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.