COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
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me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.