Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
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Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I know this now 😂
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row