COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
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How is it still this week?
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
“I wouldn’t.”
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.