Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
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Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I have many caverns
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
dogs can find happiness so easily
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.