Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
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It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.