COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
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Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.