Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
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got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars