Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
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Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards