I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
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Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.