COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
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Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Holy crap this is wonderful
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Me trying to reach for my goals
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.