COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
You Might Also Like
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Butt weight. There’s more!
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.