Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
You Might Also Like
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Feels like there should be a middle ground
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them