cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
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“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Kids: Stay in school.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Feel. He’s so soft.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?