I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
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Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.