Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
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Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
knights of the ikea table
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.