Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
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Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.